Driving in Lagos is no different from running around in a madhouse. You think I’m lying? Okay, let’s analyze it.
If you were to interview a patient in a mental asylum, he/she would of course try to assure you that they’re fine. More than fine, in fact; to them, they’re perfectly okay. However, they have a sneaking suspicion that everybody else is mad, and they have no idea what they’re doing in such a place.
Are you seeing the connection now?
There’s a saying that “Many are mad, but few are roaming”. Lagos is the perfect epitome of that saying. Everybody goes around with a veneer of culture and class that can be quickly stripped off in the blink of an eye to reveal an ocean of craziness bubbling underneath.
And no other place triggers this craziness more than traffic.
Lagos experiences road rage like no other city, and in different flavors, with several forces called upon for enhancement. Talmabout “ko ni da fun e loruko Jesu”, which literally translates to “it won’t be well with you in Jesus name”. On an early Monday morning, for that matter.
MORE IN THIS SERIES:
It’s a daily war. Motorists will fight motorists. Motorists will fight pedestrians. And instead of pedestrians banding together in their shared communion of trekking, they fight each other.
However, we’re going to only focus on motorist on motorist violence today. This article on driving in Lagos is essential for you if you just got your sweet ride and you feel you’ve now joined the big leagues.
Or maybe you just moved to Lagos, the center of excellence (lol) and you think drivers will see you driving in Lagos in the morning and go, “Hiya, matey. Fine looking day, innit? Wishing you all the best in today’s endeavors. Go forth and prosper”.
Driving In Lagos: The Original Manual
1. Everybody Else Is Mad
Take, for example, while driving, you try to apply logic and be like, “Okay, I will go like this, and, as a fellow rational, thinking being, this other guy will go this other way”, stop! You just made two mistakes.
Your first mistake was in assuming he is a rational, thinking being like you. Your second mistake was also in assuming that if he is indeed a rational, thinking being, he left home with that rationality and logical thought process.
Hit the road every morning assuming that everybody you’re going to encounter just escaped from the left side of Yaba. You are the only sane person on the road.
Therefore, whatever they do, don’t try to correct them, not even if they drive diagonally and swap their steering wheels for the actual wheels. Also, don’t try to be a good citizen and intercept them. Your mission is to get from your starting point to your destination SAFELY.
This is, by far, the most important tip for driving in Lagos.
2. Learn How To Insult
You’re not a real Lagos driver if you haven’t insulted at least a dozen people before 07:30 am. What’s that? The Bible says the peaceful and meek shall inherit the earth? Why don’t you ask your pastor how meek and peaceful he is behind the steering wheel?
Truth is, you can’t escape it. People will abuse you, and honor demands you give as good as you get. “Oloshi” is too common an insult; you have to learn the ones like “Olori buruku agbaya aburo oloshi”, “Chineke ma pa iwo naa mogi” (did I say that right?), “Apoda”, “Anuofia” and “Tie de ma laba ni”.
Now you’re talking.
And just in case you forget all of those or your opponent is a pro who manages to match you insult for insult till you run out, you can always use this…
SEE: 20+ Pet Peeves That Make You Want To Break Something
3. Never Let Them Know Your Next Move
War is based on deception, Master Sun Tzu said. And since we’ve established that driving in Lagos is a deadly battle and everybody is the enemy, why will you be giving your enemies a clue to your next move?
Wars aren’t won that way.
So switch lanes as you please, because the moment you signal that you want to enter a certain lane, the cars behind will speed up to block you. You’re asking why? Did you miss the part where I said driving in Lagos is a war?
Just enter and divert. Unfortunately, this is a special skill only possessed by a select few, with Ibadan Micra drivers ironically being the experts, but that doesn’t stop everyone from attempting it.
4. Use What You Have To Get What You Want
Since people will not allow you to divert, if you are blessed with good looks just flash a smile and wink at the other driver. The odds will be in your favor if they’ve had a good day.
If not and they reply with an insult, employ step two.
READ ALSO: Fake It Till You Make It: Should You?
5. Use Your Horn
Your car horns are not for aesthetics; they were installed there for a reason, and it falls upon you to utilize them to their maximum potential.
In fact, change the horn that came with your car and install the ones that trailers and tankers use, then feel free to blast the ear of anybody that is in front, beside, or behind you.
Be a bully.
6. Be The Shining Light
This sounds cute, but it’s the very opposite.
If a car is going too slow in front of you, turn on your full lights and then add your horn for good measure until they get out of the way. You can also use the lights to blind anyone coming from the opposite direction and let them crash into the gutter.
This tip is most useful at night, and if you have halogen lamps, it’s even better. Kill them!
SEE: 5+ Steps to Set Priorities For Improving Efficiency
7. Pedal To The Metal
Your minimum speed should be 90kph.
It doesn’t matter where you are, be it in residential areas or a freeway. Show them why you watched Fast and Furious from 1-9 even though you know deep in your bone marrow it should have stopped at 5.
Accelerate at full speed. Time waits for no one. And, if peradventure, you hit someone, don’t stop unless there’s traffic or you know the person can race to catch up with you. At which point they will explain why they’re complaining, because if car jam you properly, you no go sabi run.
You have a car, which means you have superior rights on the road and the person should have been more careful.
8. Brake Mastery
You have to learn how to use your brakes and know how to stop SUDDENLY! You must also know how to not stop suddenly because a car from behind will hit you and it will be your fault!
It’s kind of a paradox, one which only legends who have been driving in Lagos will understand.
Also, if peradventure your car kisses another person’s car, the only time you should pay for damages is if you destroy any of the lamps or dislocate two of the tires. If it’s a bump or a scratch, just say sorry and move on! Let the car walk it off.
And in case the other driver is particularly obstinate, you can also use materials from the article below to appease him/her.
CHECK: 50+ Sorry Quotes for You: Express Apologies with Heartfelt Words
9. Never Take Road Rage Personally
When you fight on the road, let it end there. Even if you guys threatened hell on earth and called upon the forces that be to strike down choice family members or beat each other to stupor like these guys…
The moment you guys move from that spot, forget about it.
Not that you’ll now meet the person by chance somewhere later and start dragging them by their armpit hair, or track them down and turn it into a generational feud. Remove it from your mind or you will just die of a heart attack.
It’s never that serious.
10. Learn To Swerve Like Your Life Depends On It… Because It Is
You have to up your swerving skills when driving in Lagos.
You will need to swerve from potholes, broken-down vehicles, discarded sachets of pure water, and people texting and driving at a moment’s notice.
11. On Your Right
Everybody remembers that scene in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, when Cap repeatedly overtakes Sam Wilson, and each time he does so, he goes, “On Your Right”. That’s how it is when driving in Lagos.
When overtaking, always turn to look at the next person eyeball to eyeball, just because! It adds to the joy.
READ ALSO: Can Cockroaches Live in Your Penis?
12. Watch Who You Drag With
With all that has been said, there are some vehicles you should never drag lanes with. These include:
- Danfo
- Keke Maruwa
- Taxi Drivers
- Trailers and Tankers
Why? These are the real owners of the road, and they have nothing to lose. You will be the sorry one if you drag with them. You’ve been warned.
Wrapping Up Driving In Lagos
Can you now see, Mr. New Ride, that there ain’t no big league? All you’ve done is trade one set of problems for another. In fact, you’ll almost miss when you used to fight for bus like this…
Offense is the best form of offense when driving in Lagos. You can ask those who have achieved legendary status in it. They will confirm all of these.
