How To Handle Coming Out as Gay In Nigeria

For some people, the phrase “coming out” could simply refer to leaving or moving beyond the boundaries of a space or enclosure. However, for a gay person, for members of the LGBTQIA+, coming out means something entirely different.

This is a period that, depending on the aftermath, could have tremendous effects on the psychology of a queer person.

Coming out, generally, is a hassle that is sometimes life-threatening, especially in countries where homophobia runs amok. Yes, Nigeria is a perfect example! The model student, in fact. I applaud you for thinking about it.

How To Handle Coming Out as Gay In Nigeria

According to the country’s legal system, a gay/queer individual is subject to fourteen years of imprisonment. You get to spend fourteen years behind bars just because of your nature. For something that isn’t your fault. Then again, in the age of the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade, they slaughtered many-a-negro just for being the wrong shade of black.

Although, it says something about the intelligence of the legal system that you’re sentencing a gay man to prison. A place full of men.

Let’s even forget prison. There are worse scenarios you could encounter just by coming out at the wrong time. These include, but aren’t limited to, church visits (binding and casting), severe beatings, and sometimes jungle justice.

“Coming out in Nigeria is a real struggle.” — Minority Africa.

Being queer isn’t your fault. It’s who you are and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Hating yourself because of outward projections is the first step to a miserable life if you ask me. I guess you didn’t, but regardless, my wisdom comes for free.

So, you’re queer, you’re here. What can you do to survive if you are one of the unlucky ones who end up in a homophobic country? Well, before we discuss that, let me give a little brief (something for the clueless ones who found this page by pure chance) on the LGBT+ community.

LGBTQIA+

The above assemblage (though not the full spectrum, hence the ‘+’) is a conventional term used to indicate sets of individuals that differ from heterosexuals. People whose sexual orientations and gender identities don’t conform to heteronormative standards.

Heteronormative ideals dictate behaviors and standards that people must meet to be acceptable to society. Men must act a certain way, and women as well. A man can only pleasure and be pleasured by a woman, as nature divines. And apart from masculine and feminine, no other ‘ines’ should exist.

Queer individuals believe these concepts are arrant nonsense, hogwash supported by culture rather than intellect. To them, a person’s identity lies more in sync with thoughts and feelings rather than physical attributes. And a person’s source of pleasure is not to be regulated; it is theirs to find in whomever they choose, to…receive however they want.

In the world of the rainbow, the concept of labels doesn’t exist. Everything vibes together, even two peaches and two eggplants.

What’s with the look? You thought it, didn’t you?

Under the LGBT+ spectrum, we have bisexuals, lesbians, trans, asexuals, and intersex, just to name a few. In fact, the only ‘sexuals’ we probably don’t have in LGBT+ are heterosexuals and owosexuals. Don’t know what the latter means? Well, your loss. Maybe you could read the article below on popular Nigerian slangs.

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Confessions Of Coming Out In Nigeria

Now that we have discussed the basics of being queer as well as some of the key identities in the spectrum, we are now going to discuss various experiences of some Nigerians who came out as well as the consequences. Mind you, some of the confessions you’re about to read are not just accounts of people who came out by their will, but also those who got outed by close friends and peers.

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Confession 1

“I’m shaking. Please give me strength, Lord,” says Twitter user Mike Okola who came out to his mother via a WhatsApp text:

Coming out, in my personal opinion, is not really necessary. I mean, you live in a homophobic country surrounded by ignorant scallywags who would sooner torch you alive than embrace your differences. Why bother revealing your identity when it will only reap self-harm?

But then, there are those who wish to live their truth. Those like Okola who probably face pressure from family and friends about their sexuality. And sometimes, you just need to send that no-bs text which clearly dictates the terms of your sexuality. This is what Okola did, and while the aftermath remains to be seen, we wish him all the best.

Confession 2

Ouch. Yeah, some people can be the worst. And there is actually nothing worse than betrayal from people you thought were friends, but this is one of the risks associated with coming out in Nigeria.

Sometimes, it’s not you who does the coming out; your friends (or foes, rather) will decide to do it for you. And the blowback is usually never positive.

Confession 3

“I was only 20. I confided in my mother about my sexuality. Mommy wasn’t happy. She told my aunty, and that one went to invite mushin boys to beat me. She said they should beat me until the gay leaves my body.” — Atambala, 26

So you see, dear reader, that coming out isn’t as easy to accomplish as some Netflix shows make it seem. Then again, people have diverse experiences according to their various backgrounds and level of intellect. We have some who are very open-minded (allies) as well as those who are the poster candidates for foolish ignorance (homophobes).

Sadly, Nigeria is densely populated by the latter.

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But does this mean coming out is unachievable? Of course not. Others have done it. You can do it, too. Though, I must advise that there is a clear difference between coming out and being obnoxiously obvious. If you are queer, especially in Nigeria, reading this article, then you know what I mean. There are ways and guidelines you can follow to come out and be true to yourself while still maintaining your sense of security. Let’s discuss these ways now:

Safely Coming Out In Nigeria

Queer Twitter paid tributes to violence over the past week as several users condemned the pressure placed on the younger queer generation into coming out despite an alarming rise of homophobia in recent weeks. Many argued that such a venture was a vain and selfless act that will do more harm than good because many young queers still live with their parents and wouldn’t want to become homeless until they can stand on their feet.

This brings me to my first point:

Be Independent

Independence is something every person should strive to attain, whether male or female, homo or hetero. Independence gives you unrivaled power because you get to control people’s access to you. Where they see you, how they approach you.

This is very useful to a queer person who wishes to come out. In fact, coming out without being stably independent is one of the most foolish things you can do as a queer person.

Come Out To Yourself First

When it comes to navigating the highs and lows of a sexual orientation different than what is considered the norm, acceptance is key. You can’t expect others to accept you or at the very least be cordial if you aren’t innately at peace with yourself. If you don’t accept yourself, you will live your life with a shadow over you, a shadow formed by self-denial.

Have No Expectations

Whoever said one-sided expectations can mentally destroy you wasn’t kidding; they certainly can. If you’re of age and feel it’s the right time to sit your family and close friends down to have the talk, then you must do so bearing no expectations. Be of the mindset that if they accept you, that’s their gain. If not, it’s their loss.

However it turns out, you will be alright.

Keep Your Circle Small

To put it bluntly, the tighter your circle, the better your life will be. Always favor quality over quantity and never be afraid to ditch anyone that troubles your mental health.

A Word from Battabox On Coming Out

To summarize, coming out is something you should do only when you’re ready, especially in Nigeria. Do not let anyone or anything pressure you into coming out before the right time.

If you have any questions, let us know below. You can also check out this video on our Youtube page: